A recently single friend braved the stigma of online dating and joined a couple of the more popular sites. Now, several months later and armed with a wealth of hard-earned experience, she has a better understanding why it takes a psychology degree to figure out what a person's profile is -- or isn't -- saying.
As much as people profess they want to meet someone with the potential for a long-term relationship, many of the actions they take (both men & women) illustrate just the opposite. The very function of online dating is to facilitate bringing people together, but as Dr. Ali Binazir so aptly notes in The Tao of Dating, it has instead made it difficult for the masses to connect due to inaccurate self-representation or overly high expectations. This tendency to bend the truth leads people to present themselves as they would like to be, not how they really are.
The pics you choose to represent yourself are directly related to the type of people you will attract. And let's just say right up front there is no shame in clicking past a profile that doesn't have at least one clear, recent photo. Showcasing yourself in any arena requires putting forth 100% of who you are; physical appeal - while indeed in the eye of the beholder - is as much a critical component on dating sites as it is in real life. Would an actor send out his portfolio without any images and still expect to be cast in the right role?
Photo albums full of 6-pack abs, overflowing cleavage or 15 shots of your dog/cat/garden/most recent Hawaiian vacation (all without *you* in them) miss the point and give complete strangers visual TMI. That also goes for "trophy" pics: dead animals, vehicles/farm equipment, beer/alcohol in every shot. Consider who your audience is; you're not submitting for acceptance in Cabela's catalog, after all. It's the rare woman who will be impressed by seeing your truck filled to the brim with deer carcasses.
And then there are the "no photo" folks who are full of excuses: They don't have any current images, don't photograph well, don't want to be judged on looks, etc. My friend found a guy who said "I'm a well-known professional and don't want to jeopardize my reputation," which may be legit or may actually translate to "I'm married and don't want to get caught."
And since people are unforgivingly sized up in a matter of 7.5 seconds or less, nailing that all-important initial contact has become more important than brushing your teeth after every meal. The first no-no is counting on a nonverbal option to replace a thoughtful introduction. Winks/flowers/flirts and the like are equivalent to a 12-year-old boy showing his interest by punching the girl's arm. Show that person you've moved beyond the playground by saying hello in a message.
So, after sifting through the muck and mire, my friend found someone who looked worthwhile enough to spark a conversation. Little did she know she had embarked upon a fascinating study of human behavior; like being unable to turn away from a train wreck, she couldn't stop herself from exploring this specimen of dysfunction. The guy was pure gold for anthropological research.
He didn't use the word 'woman' but instead identified the fairer sex as either 'females' or 'pedestrians.' Always defensive and afraid of being judged no matter how innocent the question but chastised her if she didn't answer something in line with what he thought was correct. So proudly into porn that he freely referenced it in their conversations from the get-go (not to diss porn but to further illustrate his disconnect from what he claimed he wanted: someone with emotional and intellectual intelligence). Here are a couple of gems from this smug and angry misogynist:
Instead of simply saying he wasn't into it, this is how he replied to her inquiry about Scrabble:
But by far the most intriguing element of their exchange was the rule book he required her to follow if she wanted to continue conversing with him. This all came about when she suggested they meet in real life; what ensued was both puzzling and scary in a world that has become far too socially inept.
Step 1: A minimum 3 months of emailing
Step 2: If they were still interested in learning more, they could take it to voice calls for another couple of months
Step 3: If they were still talking, they could move to video chats to round out the mandatory 6-month cyber discovery period
Step 4: Entertain the idea of meeting in person
She lasted just over a month in Step 1 before realizing this guy really was clueless about his hostile, antisocial tendencies. I've begged her to turn this whole experience into an online picture book similar to the brilliance of Hyperbole and a Half, but she just rolls her eyes and swats me away.
Surely you have a tale or two to tell from your online dating excursions, right? And :::gasp::: maybe even a positive experience! C'mon, enlighten us by posting a comment below. :)
As much as people profess they want to meet someone with the potential for a long-term relationship, many of the actions they take (both men & women) illustrate just the opposite. The very function of online dating is to facilitate bringing people together, but as Dr. Ali Binazir so aptly notes in The Tao of Dating, it has instead made it difficult for the masses to connect due to inaccurate self-representation or overly high expectations. This tendency to bend the truth leads people to present themselves as they would like to be, not how they really are.
Another barrier comes from those who have nothing at all to say about themselves and resort to using negativity or such timeworn phrases as "no drama," "love to laugh," and "just a simple person." You have to take pity on someone who sees nothing wrong with saying "hate" anywhere in the profile, much less the very first sentence. It typically goes like this: I hate talking about myself; I hate having to summarize my whole life in 500 words; I hate being pigeon-holed; I hate tooting my own horn. Well, here's the thing: Introducing yourself involves none of that. The masses simply want to learn a bit about who you are, not what defines you. Sadly, many people don't know there is a difference.
The pics you choose to represent yourself are directly related to the type of people you will attract. And let's just say right up front there is no shame in clicking past a profile that doesn't have at least one clear, recent photo. Showcasing yourself in any arena requires putting forth 100% of who you are; physical appeal - while indeed in the eye of the beholder - is as much a critical component on dating sites as it is in real life. Would an actor send out his portfolio without any images and still expect to be cast in the right role?
Photo albums full of 6-pack abs, overflowing cleavage or 15 shots of your dog/cat/garden/most recent Hawaiian vacation (all without *you* in them) miss the point and give complete strangers visual TMI. That also goes for "trophy" pics: dead animals, vehicles/farm equipment, beer/alcohol in every shot. Consider who your audience is; you're not submitting for acceptance in Cabela's catalog, after all. It's the rare woman who will be impressed by seeing your truck filled to the brim with deer carcasses.
And then there are the "no photo" folks who are full of excuses: They don't have any current images, don't photograph well, don't want to be judged on looks, etc. My friend found a guy who said "I'm a well-known professional and don't want to jeopardize my reputation," which may be legit or may actually translate to "I'm married and don't want to get caught."
And since people are unforgivingly sized up in a matter of 7.5 seconds or less, nailing that all-important initial contact has become more important than brushing your teeth after every meal. The first no-no is counting on a nonverbal option to replace a thoughtful introduction. Winks/flowers/flirts and the like are equivalent to a 12-year-old boy showing his interest by punching the girl's arm. Show that person you've moved beyond the playground by saying hello in a message.
So, after sifting through the muck and mire, my friend found someone who looked worthwhile enough to spark a conversation. Little did she know she had embarked upon a fascinating study of human behavior; like being unable to turn away from a train wreck, she couldn't stop herself from exploring this specimen of dysfunction. The guy was pure gold for anthropological research.
He didn't use the word 'woman' but instead identified the fairer sex as either 'females' or 'pedestrians.' Always defensive and afraid of being judged no matter how innocent the question but chastised her if she didn't answer something in line with what he thought was correct. So proudly into porn that he freely referenced it in their conversations from the get-go (not to diss porn but to further illustrate his disconnect from what he claimed he wanted: someone with emotional and intellectual intelligence). Here are a couple of gems from this smug and angry misogynist:
Instead of simply saying he wasn't into it, this is how he replied to her inquiry about Scrabble:
Scrabble, crosswords and jigsaws are too far down on the ladder of intellectual stimulation for me. It would be a bleak day when I sit back and have nothing better to do than play Scrabble.On why men seem to respond based only on photos while ignoring core value incompatibilities in the profile:
Men ignore what women say on their profiles [because] what [women] specify is more often negotiable than not. And men know that and exploit it. So there's probably a whole range of women out there who want me, but I won't contact them if they want someone with dark hair, or 6 ft tall, or blue eyes, etc. See how you kill it for yourselves?Huh?
But by far the most intriguing element of their exchange was the rule book he required her to follow if she wanted to continue conversing with him. This all came about when she suggested they meet in real life; what ensued was both puzzling and scary in a world that has become far too socially inept.
Step 1: A minimum 3 months of emailing
Step 2: If they were still interested in learning more, they could take it to voice calls for another couple of months
Step 3: If they were still talking, they could move to video chats to round out the mandatory 6-month cyber discovery period
Step 4: Entertain the idea of meeting in person
She lasted just over a month in Step 1 before realizing this guy really was clueless about his hostile, antisocial tendencies. I've begged her to turn this whole experience into an online picture book similar to the brilliance of Hyperbole and a Half, but she just rolls her eyes and swats me away.
Surely you have a tale or two to tell from your online dating excursions, right? And :::gasp::: maybe even a positive experience! C'mon, enlighten us by posting a comment below. :)
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